No Special Cookies

A Ten Minute Play

WIFE, thirty-something woman in shorts and a tank top, no shoes
HUSBAND, thirty-something man in shorts and a polo shirt, flip flops

Just outside the exterior person-door of a garage in suburban Nevada. Night. The exterior light above the door is on. There are objects scattered near the door: a basketball, a bike with training wheels, a large rolling trashcan, a tangled garden hose. HUSBAND walks outside through the door, followed by WIFE, who shuts the door behind her. HUSBAND has a long barbeque lighter, a small glass pipe, a metal grinder, and a small, round container.

HUSBAND  Pull that trashcan over here.

WIFE    Why?

HUSBAND  So I have somewhere to work.

WIFE    Why didn’t you fill it in the house?

HUSBAND  We’re already out here. Would you just get the trashcan please?

Wife drags the trashcan to just beside the door

WIFE    Ugh, it smells.

HUSBAND  I found a half-used carton of buttermilk in the back of the fridge the other day. Had to get rid of it.

WIFE    We have a garbage disposal.

Husband sets the supplies on top of the trashcan lid and begins to open containers and place pinches of marijuana into the grinder

HUSBAND  I poured it down the garbage disposal. Still had to get rid of the carton.

WIFE    You could have kept it in the fridge until garbage day.

Husband stops packing the pipe and looks up

HUSBAND  Do you want to do this or not?

WIFE    Uh, yeah. These cramps are killing me.

HUSBAND  Okay, then stop with the trashcan.

WIFE    Okay.

HUSBAND  All right.

WIFE    Okay. All right.

Husband finishes prepping the pipe

HUSBAND  All set.

WIFE    What do I do?

Husband places pipe in WIFE’S left hand and adjusts her fingers

HUSBAND  Put your thumb over this hole here . . . now . . . put it in your mouth. When I light it, you have to suck in and keep sucking until the ember goes out.

(around pipe)

Husband lights barbecue lighter and brings the flame towards the pipe. Wife pulls mouth away from the pipe.

WIFE  Why are you putting the flame so close to my face?

HUSBAND  What do you mean? I’m trying to light it.

WIFE    The fire is like right there in my face. You never told me the fire would be so close to my face.

HUSBAND  Yeah, well, I kinda thought it would be obvious.

WIFE    How would I know that? You know I’ve never done this before and so did the people at the store. They should at least know to tell beginners, they’re professionals. They didn’t say a word about how you have to practically burn the eyebrows right off your face.

HUSBAND  I don’t think it’s usually an issue for people. Also, you’re being kinda dramatic.

WIFE    You know how I feel about fire.

Wife shoves pipe back into HUSBAND’S hand

WIFE    You do it and then give it to me.

HUSBAND  It doesn’t work that way. It’ll go out.

WIFE    What about “puff, puff, pass?” I thought that was a thing.

HUSBAND  Doesn’t work with this little bitty pipe.

WIFE    Just try it! Please?

Husband takes a hit from the pipe and passes it quickly to WIFE

HUSBAND  See? It went out. It’s not glowing anymore. You can’t do it that way. You gotta light it while you’re sucking in.

WIFE    Fine. Let me try to light it myself.

Wife takes lighter from HUSBAND and tries to light pipe, but pulls away before it is lit

WIFE    I can’t. I can’t do it.

HUSBAND  It’s not a big deal. You’re not going to burn yourself.

WIFE    I can feel the fire on my thumb. I can feel it. You try to light it again.

Husband takes the lighter, activates it, and moves it towards the pipe. Wife pulls away.

WIFE    You’re angling the flame right towards my face!

HUSBAND  I didn’t mean to! (pause, defeated) We should have gotten those cookies.

WIFE    I thought you were worried about the kids getting into them.

HUSBAND  We can always make more.
Oh god babe, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean –

WIFE    It’s fine.

HUSBAND  No, it’s not fine. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.

WIFE    What’s new.

HUSBAND  Come on. How is that fair? That’s not fair.

WIFE    Sorry. I know you didn’t mean it. I just feel like shit.

Wife places pipe back in mouth and HUSBAND moves the flame towards the pipe again. Wife pulls away and gives aggravated sigh.

WIFE    Why are you using that big lighter?!

HUSBAND  It doesn’t matter! A smaller lighter wouldn’t help.

Wife reluctantly puts pipe back into her mouth and Husband lights it.

HUSBAND  Okay! Now suck in. No, no. All the way in.

WIFE’S cheeks are ballooned out.

No! You have to suck it in! Deep into your lungs.

Wife exhales forcefully

WIFE    I did!

HUSBAND  No you didn’t. It was only in your mouth.

WIFE    I felt it in my lungs.

HUSBAND  No you—

WIFE    Yes, I did.

HUSBAND  No you didn’t! I saw you. You have to inhale it like a cigarette, not keep it in your mouth like a cigar.

WIFE    I think I know what I felt in my own lungs.

(repacking pipe)
You’re impossible.

(very long pause)
Why do I feel this way?

HUSBAND  I dunno—placebo effect?

WIFE    No, like why do I feel…sad?

HUSBAND  Why wouldn’t you feel sad?

WIFE    Well, shouldn’t I feel like relieved? I didn’t want three.

HUSBAND  You didn’t?

WIFE    No! Morning sickness, fat ankles, labor, zero sleep, the crying, the shitting—honestly, how did we get through all that once, let alone twice?
I’d have to try to get all our stuff back from my sister, or more likely we’d have to buy new stuff. And think about the long run. With three, we’d have to get a minivan…
Shit, even a new dining set.

HUSBAND  We wouldn’t have to get a minivan. We could get an SUV.

WIFE    Same difference.
Why, did you want three?

HUSBAND  I don’t know. I know it’s been a long time since we had to deal with dirty diapers and whatever, but think about it. Seeing Mikey get to be a big brother.

Wife interjects

WIFE    Mikey would hate that.

HUSBAND  continues without pause

HUSBAND  Your sister’s kids would have another little cousin to play with at the holidays.

WIFE    One more to clothe and feed and send to daycare.

HUSBAND  I guess I thought it’d be kind of cool . . . I don’t think about all that other stuff like you do.
Come on.

Husband activates lighter