CHARACTERS
Aiden: Immortal vampire with the physical age of a 19 year old. Gender undefined.
Everest: Immortal vampire with the physical age of a 22 year old. Gender undefined.
Charlie: Immortal vampire (?) with an unknown physical age. Looks to be about 26. Gender Undefined.
Wren: Immortal vampire with the physical age of a 40 year old. Gender Undefined.
SETTING
Modern times: An empty room with roughly 8 folding chairs in a circle. The only notable decoration in this room is a poorly made banner that reads “Welcome to Vampire AR!”
(Lights fade in to AIDEN seated in the middle of the chair circle alone. CHARLIE enters holding a notepad.)
AIDEN
Oh, good! Good! Good! Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to Vampire AR! I’m Aiden, the host for this program and tonight’s meeting. Did you travel well? Oh, you brought a notebook! Wow, wow, wow! I haven’t had a real participant in . . . well . . . A long time. Back in the 80s, If I recall. Wow! I’m so so so so so glad to have you here tonight! You brought a red pen, I see. I’d recommend a blue one, really. Red is . . . well . . . probably not the best idea, considering the meeting.
CHARLIE
Oh.
AIDEN
Oh well! You’ve just begun, how could you have known that? Please! Choose a seat, any seat really! Wait! Not that one, it has a broken leg. That’s perfect! A little far away, though. I hope you’ll be able to hear me . . .
(beat)
You’re . . . not so conversational, I take it. That’s okay! I can talk plenty. Well, I will talk plenty if anyone else comes in. It’s only 10 o’clock at night, after all. Most vampires don’t get up until witching hour at least, but you know what they say: “Night owl gets the right towel!” What? Why are you looking at me like that? . . . Yeah, nobody says that. Uh huh . . .hmm . . . I take it you’re older then. When were you turned?
(CHARLIE does not respond.)
AIDEN
I’m going to guess 19th century at the youngest. I was turned in 1969. A great year to be a vampire really, with all the laws being passed for our rights. 1969 is the year they passed the Vampire Protection Law that made it illegal to hunt vampires! That’s why I’m hosting this, you know. Humans have done a lot to try and protect us, so it seems unfair that they remain our primary food source. And with the lack of human blood supplies available for vampires nowadays, too many are having to turn to our old methods. . . I’ll save that for later, though! Hopefully more people will arrive . . .
(EVEREST enters.)
AIDEN
Oh my god! Welcome, welcome! Welcome to Vampire AR! I’m Adien, and this here is . . .uhm . . . what is your name?
CHARLIE
Charlie.
AIDEN
This here is Charlie! I’m the host for this program and tonight’s meeting.
EVEREST
Heyy! It’s nice to meet you, Adien. And you too, Charlie! I’m Everest.
AIDEN
Nice to meet you Everest! Choose any seat you’d like.
EVEREST
Cool!
AIDEN
Not that one! It has a broken leg.
EVEREST
Oh! Okay.
(WREN enters.)
AIDEN
What. A. Turnout! Welcome! My name is-
WREN
Cut it. I don’t care.
(WREN takes a seat as far from the others as they can. AIDEN and EVEREST exchange looks while
CHARLIE writes in their notepad.)
AIDEN
Anyway . . . It’s 10:15, so let’s go ahead and start. As I said, my name is Aiden. I was born in 1950, and I was turned in 1969 by my great great great great grandpa. Right? . . . Four generations? . . . Yes. He gave me the gift of vampirism so I had plenty of time to finish college. I studied Vampire Social Science for four years, and then switched into Vampire Anatomy and Physiology specializing in Vampire Research for a decade at least. If there was a class about vampires, I’m damn sure I’ve taken it! So much debt . . . But! The point is . . . In my studies, I’ve found that modern human blood contains excessively high levels of glucose and hormones Vampires aren’t made to consume, and it is causing vampires – especially vampires who have existed before the industrial age – to become literally addicted to the access glucose and hormones and even experience withdrawals. This means vampires around the world are consuming blood much more frequently than necessary, leading to a short supply.
WREN
Uh huh . . .
EVEREST
That’s so cool to know!
AIDEN
Yes! And it’s why I’ve started this 12-step program: Vampire Addict Recovery! In this program, all participants – all of you! – will learn to withdraw from human blood and replace it with a healthier and honestly cheaper alternative: lamb blood.
WREN
Lamb blood? Why the hell would I drink lamb blood?
AIDEN
Because . . . it’s so much better! My research team and I have developed an ethical sheep farm that gives the sheep a diet that is healthy for them, but also healthy for us. We take minimum amounts of blood from their little ones in a comfortable environment. This ensures the lambs have the blood they need to continue their lamb-y activities with no discomfort. With the amount of lamb we have on the farm, we get enough blood to serve hundreds of vampires in one day. After the lambs grow up, they reproduce and give us the next generation of lambs!
EVEREST
What do you do with the adult lambs after they grow up?
AIDEN
Adult sheep are sold at a cheaper rate to humans. Some butcher them, some use them for wool. We have had a few reach out to us just to have one as a pet! The money we receive goes right back into the program, of course.
WREN
So . . . you make sure the lambs are comfortable until they’re adults, and let the humans do whatever they want with them after? Even kill them to eat? Why waste your time and resources milking their blood gently when you could kill them and get it faster?
AIDEN
Because, not only is that mean, but dead lambs can’t rejuvenate blood. If they stay alive, we can get more blood from one lamb in the long run.
WREN
Hm. Back in the 18th century, my vampire coven said the same thing about humans. They’d keep them in a cage and suck only half their blood out at a time, then feed them whatever raw meat they could find. Those humans didn’t last more than two months.
AIDEN
Aaah . . . ahahah . . . well, you see, the difference is we don’t take that much blood from our lambs, as I said before.
WREN
Then what’s the point? You get a little ounce every day from a single lamb? It sounds like a waste. This all is a waste of my damn time.
AIDEN
Well, uhm . . . I never caught your name.
WREN
It doesn’t matter what my name is.
AIDEN
. . . You are always free to leave the meeting! I’m not holding you hostage or anything.
EVEREST
Yeah! Your attitude is real cruddy. I came here for something more positive. How am I supposed to recover from my human addiction when you’re over there being a nonbeliever?
WREN
Christ, I wish I could leave! I am court ordered to attend this program.
ADIEN
Seriously? I’ve never had an attendee who came because of court! Well, I haven’t had much to compare to, either. What the hell did you do to be required to be here by law?!
WREN
Well, I . . . well . . . That’s not important! I did what I had to damnit! What more is there to it?
EVEREST
Did you . . .
ADIEN
Don’t tell me you . . .
WREN
Damnit, I did! I attacked a human, okay?! Happy?!
EVEREST
Holy shit!
ADIEN
Oh my god!
CHARLIE
Damn . . .
WREN
I really didn’t have a choice, okay? I was starving, and, well . . . the window was open, so I decided to see what was up and well . . .
ADIEN
You broke into someone’s house and sucked their blood?!
WREN
I had no choice I said! Her mother-
EVEREST
You attacked a child!?!
WREN
I found a food source! I swear to God us vampires used to be revered! We used to be feared! We were predators! Then suddenly people-loving vampires like you two decided to step down and submit to humans! Guess what they did after?! Hunted us like we were the prey! They got their goddamn revenge is what they did and we sat back and took it! Now you’re telling me I can’t get a goddamn delicious meal when I want it?! After everything I have been through! I better have the right to feed on someone’s sweet, thick, hot blood!
ADIEN
Please sit down! Please calm down! I haven’t even explained the twelve steps of the program yet!
WREN
Fuck you and your twelve steps! The twelve steps I’m taking is right out that goddamn door!
EVEREST
Please, feel free! The door is open!
WREN
I’ve had enough of you assholes!
(WREN starts chasing EVEREST around , circling the chairs. ADIEN stands up and joins them. CHARLIE sits unbothered by these events, still writing in their notebook.)
ADIEN
Please! Stop!
WREN
Hear me and hear me now! I won’t stop until every goddamn human on this planet is drained of their blood!
EVEREST
Someone call the cops!
ADIEN
Please! Let’s settle this like adults!
EVEREST
Take this douchebag to prison I’m begging you!
ADIEN
Charlie! For the love of God, please call the police!
CHARLIE
Don’t loop me into this.
EVEREST
Call the police, Charlie!
WREN
If you call those fucking pigs, I’ll have your head on a stake!
ADIEN
Help! Someone help!
(AIDEN trips over CHARLIE’s chair, causing ADIEN to trip into CHARLIE and knock them down. CHARLIE starts to bleed, and EVERYONE freezes.)
ADIEN
Is that . . .
EVEREST
Are you? . . .
CHARLIE
Oh, shit.
WREN
That’s a fucking human is what it is! I’ll suck every drop out of you!
CHARLIE
Oh god!
EVEREST
No! Leave Charlie alone!
(WREN starts chasing CHARLIE around, and EVEREST chasing WREN to try and stop them. As they are shouting at each other, AIDEN stands in the middle of the chair circle.)
ADIEN
Why me? Why is it always me? Why can’t a meeting ever go right? Why does every vampire I meet always have to be a maniac? Why can’t we be normal? Like people? It’s scientifically possible, so why can’t it be? What happened to Murphy’s Law? Why can’t we have a good version of Murphy’s Law? A version that says, “something will inevitably go your way.” Where is that? I need that right now. Please, I need an opposite-of-Murphy’s-Law right now. Oh god . . .
WREN
I caught you, you fast fucker!
CHARLIE
Please! Spare me! Pleas- AAAHHHHHH!!!
EVEREST
Charlie, NO!!! How could you?! You monster! You’re the one that gives our kind a bad name! No . . . No . . . No . . . Charlie . . . Please stop! Charlie . . .
(WREN finishes feeding and drags CHARLIE’s limp body off stage with him. EVEREST picks up their phone and makes a call as they follow WREN and CHARLIE offstage.)
ADIEN
. . . Meeting adjourned.
END